The Endless Battle
by AddictedPenguin
Summary: Shortly after high school and college Kidou and Fudou started living together. The future seems to be bright for them until something changes their life and complete future perspective together. Will their battle for happiness ever end? Warning: adult themed, swearing and hints of sex.
1. Prologue

**Hello my dearest KdFd fans. I have returned with a new fic about this lovely couple, but I do have to warn you first.  
>I'm practising my writing and this will be kind of a heavy story. Maybe it's not really suited as fanfiction but I'll see you guys' reaction to it.<br>I'll be uploading the prologue and chapter one today. The fic is almost finished in my Word Documents so don't worry about my writer's block for this one, I worked really hard on this.**

**The parts written in _Italic_ right under the date refer to Fudou's diary. In this chapter there will also be a few lines he's writing without a date but you'll see that once you start reading. It'll be a lot from (t)his perspective sometimes.**

**Please enjoy and leave a review.**

**Angel**

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

_June 14, 2019_

_Dear diary, ––_

_Good afternoon dia—_

_Hello…_

"Jesus fucking Christ." Fudou grabs the notebook and throws it with a rough gesture away from him. It flies several meters through the air until it gets stopped by the wall and bangs the ground with a loud thud. Of all the things, a diary, a motherfucking diary. He seriously couldn't come up with something better.

Fudou buries his hands in his half long hair and places his elbows on the table, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. His hair is starting to grow again, about time; it's been over a half year since the last time he shaved it. It should be growing back to its usual length by now. It feels weird to have this whole head covered with hair again, it's been so long.

After sitting in the same position for a while he slowly opens his eyes and throws a quick glimpse to the direction of the notebook he bought a couple of weeks ago; on advice of his therapist.

Fudou lets out an unintentional groan. Therapist, how much he despises that word, and not just the word. He holds a grudge against that man himself as well. Blabbering like he understands him, pretending to listen and giving fucking worthless advice; like writing down how he feels in that fucking diary. Describing his emotions and how often he thinks back at it. Well like that is going to help him, reminding himself how horrible the time was he's been through the past year. Yeah, he _really_ loves to think fucking back at the times he cried heavily and screamed loudly in pain, when he begged for someone to hear him, to help him. But no-one ever came, he was alone, abandoned, drowning in his own melancholy.

Until someone picked him up, at last, and put him back on his feet. He often wishes that didn't happen, he fantasises how it could have been if they had just let him demise out there. Then he wouldn't have to live with so much pain every single day. He wonders, or more, he doubts that this strong agony will ever vanish.

He lets out a sceptical laugh, it sounds hollow against the empty walls of his brand new house; an empty house full of awful memories and flashbacks.

_"A new place, a new life, from now on things will only get better for us."_

That was the biggest lie he had ever heard.

Fudou gets up from his chair and picks the diary from the ground. The pages look frightening empty, they're staring at him, enforcing him to grab a pen and write something down. This is insane; it must be that therapist's doing.

A powerful sensation of rage takes over his body; he rips out the first daubed page, takes his pen and begins to write.

_Hello you fucking piece of worthless diary,_

There, that feels a lot better. It's his diary so he can treat it the way he fucking wants to treat it. To hell with that therapist.

_I feel like a complete mess, not very different from the other day, but, I have to start somewhere._

_Why am I writing this down you think? Because a bunch of useless, fucking idiots thinks I need it. Or else I can't keep my life on the rails, thinking I'd hurt myself or something. Yeah right._

_I mentioned once, fucking once, to my therapist that I wrote a couple of things down during that period and the genius comes up with making a diary about how I feel every day. Yeah well, like that's going to fucking help me. He can't even come up with his own goddamn ideas._

Fudou puts the pen down and looks at the crappy handwriting and the angrily written words. This could be better, he knows he can do better. Somewhere hidden in a box in his closet lays the result of several months writing out nothing but pain and memories. He put it in a box he found while cleaning out their old apartment, it belongs to him and his fancy new shoes. He was so happy with the burgundy red pair of _Bruno_ _Magli_.

Fudou decided it would be the perfect place to hide some of their memories in since the shoes spent more weeks in that box than that he actually wore them. When Fudou asked why he wouldn't just fucking wear them he answered with something like that it would be a waste of the expensive shoes, what if something would happen to them?

Yeah, what if. It were just shoes in his eyes, who the fuck gets worked up over shoes? His boyfriend would, obviously, but he didn't fucking think of that when he tried them on and spilled some cheap beer on it later that day. He thought for a brief moment that if he'd just put them back where they belonged his boyfriend wouldn't even notice, but the look in his lover's eyes explained all the pain and love he felt towards those shoes when he entered the living room. Against Fudou's expectations his boyfriend had brushed it off and told him that he was right. It were just shoes anyway, he could replace them any time.

Fudou doesn't want to; he's not ready yet but his legs won't stop. He feels like he has no control over his own body, it's completely moving on its own. Fudou stops resisting when he opens the door of his huge closet. Something they made because they thought they'd need it in the future. He already protested, like he'd wear that much clothes but yeah, that's what you get when your partner is a fucking vain dork.

He holds the little black notebook in his hands. It looks like it's been used many times and then tossed away into a corner. That's pretty much what happened to it too, put away in a corner with his deep, dark memories.

His intentions were to maintain it there, never open it again. Hopefully never think of it again but it couldn't be like that. He can't even keep his own promises.

Fudou lets himself fall on his bed and begins to read. It starts somewhere when he was in his last year of high school around the age of sixteen, when he was still happy. He somehow started to write down his feelings in there, it was more of a joke at first but later he realised he actually felt lonely and had no-one to share his thoughts with. Yeah, of course he had friends; he wasn't a loner. It just never crossed his mind that he would feel the need to share his sensitive emotions with someone, but apparently even a man feels the need to talk about feelings related stuff sometimes.

_September 20, 2010_  
><em>Broke up with Shinobu today, what a pain. She kept complaining about how I spend more time with Kidou than with her. I'm done with her anyway, the flat-chested bitch. I'm working damn hard for my money and she expects me to buy her lunch and dinner, gifts for stupid anniversaries and go to the movies. She says that's what boyfriends do, well if they do then I don't want to fucking be a boyfriend. It was way more fun when we were still screwing around anyway. Guess I'll miss the sex with her, but not like we still did it that often.<em>

_Kidou on the other hand seems to be spending more and more time with that one-eyed jerk lately. Che, what's so good about him? He's boring, annoys the fuck out of everyone and thinks he knows everything better. Who wants to spend his time with a wiseacre rather than with me? Jerk._

_October 29, 2010_  
><em>Had a small talk with Kidou today, it was going pretty well until those fucking friends of his had to interrupt us again. "What are you talking about?" That's none of your fucking business. But Kidou doesn't mind, he doesn't even notice that I don't want them around. Yeah sure, go ahead. I'll be fine alone.<em>

_November 5, 2010_  
><em>That's it, I'm done with this. The only things Kidou ever talks about are soccer, strategies and school work. I'm giving up, like I want to go out with such a loser. This is useless, I quit.<em>

_December 22, 2010  
><em>_We kissed! This is fucking unbelievable! It even sounds terribly romantic. School organised some kind of prom and I only went to show one Takanishi Shinobu that I look damn hot in a tuxedo (I borrowed it). She was way too busy flirting with other guys, it made me sick. The party was dull anyway so I went outside for a smoke and, there he was. He looked handsome, like, fucking, seriously handsome. Thought he was going to complain about the smoke, he hates it when I do it in his presence but he actually asked me if we could share one. We were standing quietly in the snow and when I wanted to pass him the cigarette he kissed me instead._

_It was a good kiss, we started slow but eventually we were lip biting and hair pulling. A kiss has never felt so good and intense to me before, not just the kiss, everything he does feels so fucking good. The way his fingers run through my hair, the light squeezes he gives me in my arm when he needs to breathe, the way his body responds to my touch. I think I could be doing this with him for like forever. I think I found a new kind of addicting drug. Addicted to Kidou._

Fudou couldn't remember that he described the way they kissed so detailed back then. This has always been his deepest secret, no-one's allowed to know about it, it would ruin his reputation.

He skips a few pages ahead, almost everything is in there; their first date, their casual talks, his jealousy, exploring each other's bodies, finals, their summer together, fights, their first time, college. They both enrolled to a university where they could combine their studies with soccer, they had been through so much together already when their lives started for real and they stayed together all this time. When they bought their first apartment together, Fudou really thought nothing could shred them apart anymore.

But shortly after, their lives fell apart.


	2. Chapter 1

_January 16, 2018  
>Recently everything is going pretty damn well between me and Yuuto. Yeah he's always busy and works a lot but he's keeping the weekends free for me so we see each other pretty often. The living together thing is working out better than we both expected, I guess. We don't fight that much and when we do the makeup sex is even better than the regular sex. Yuuto's playing less soccer though because of his job at his father's company. I kinda miss playing with him but, I started coaching a couple of weeks ago. They're an annoying bunch of –<em>

Fudou quickly shuts his diary and hides it beneath one of the cushions of the sofa when he hears the door being opened. He reaches out for the remote and turns on the TV in order to look like he was doing something before his boyfriend came home.

"Hey, how was your day?" He asks when Kidou silently enters the room. "What? Oh yes, it was good." He answers but Fudou knows his friend longer than today and isn't satisfied at all with Kidou's half hearted reply. "Doesn't sound too good, what's up?"

"Just a little tired, it's been a long day." Kidou loosens his tie and takes a seat in his favourite chair, his father had given it to him when Kidou left the house. Kidou sitting on that chair could mean two things; either he wants to get comfortable with a good glass of wine, or something is troubling him. That would still mean he'd like a glass of wine so it's only natural for Fudou to rise from his seat and get Kidou a glass.

"Thanks." He mumbles when Fudou brings him his _Banfi Brunello di Montalcino Poggio all'Oro_, some kind of way too expensive brand. Kidou had been trying to teach him how to pronounce this, if you ask him, ridiculous name of the wine but he didn't come much further than the first word. Demonio had taught Kidou this during one of their visits.

Demonio, or as Fudou likes to call him, Kidou's clone, seemed to have lots in common with his boyfriend so even now and then they make a trip to Italy to visit their old friend. They'd go to museums together, art galleries and wine tasting events while Fudou stays at the villa they bought there two years ago. That's when Kidou picked up caring more about the wine he drinks, it's not just liquor to him anymore, oh no, behind every bottle and every brand lies a story, like Kidou would say. Fudou remembers how Kidou had tried to explain him the history behind the wine they were drinking.

_"As every beginning student of wine knows, every vintage has its own characteristics. So what's a vintner to do when certain year's weather doesn't cooperate? They don't sell it. That's why you'll only see this available in specific vintages—and why you can trust that any bottle will be of the highest quality."_

Fudou laughs under his breath and flops down on the sofa again, watching Kidou drinking his wine, deep in thoughts. Fudou focuses his gaze on the TV again but he's not really watching, something is pestering Kidou but he doesn't speak. It worries Fudou but he has learned that he should wait until his boyfriend is ready to share his thoughts about it. He is probably over thinking whatever happened to him today and will speak once he figured out how to place the situation. Suddenly he gets up after placing his glass on the coffee table and leaves the room after a soft muttered: "I'm going to bed.", leaving Fudou alone in the living room, confused and even more concerned than he already was.

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><p><em>January 23, 2018<em>  
><em>Yuuto's still complaining about this headache he's having. I finally managed to get him to the doctor yesterday. He got home with some sleep medication and a note that he needs rest. Told him that too but I suppose he needed to hear it from someone more professional who studied to tell people they need rest. He's sleeping better since he's taking those pills, sleeping a lot more too. He's home before dinner most of the days, it's new for the both of us but I ain't complaining that he's home this early. We're not having much sex though, he falls asleep before I'm getting it up. <em>

Fudou has been standing in the kitchen for nearly two hours. Next to his job as coach he's taking cooking classes too so he can surprise his boyfriend with a decent meal for dinner instead of macaroni warmed up in the microwave. His workplace is a mess, there is pasta everywhere- even in his hair and he cut in his fingers three times while slicing the vegetables, but he accomplished his mission. The scent of his _Carbonara_ pasta on the recipe of _Jamie Olivier _fills the dining room with a nice aroma and gives him a satisfying feeling of accomplishment. See, he's not such a screw up as everyone thinks he is.

He just finished pouring two glasses of wine for them to drink with their dinner when he hears the door open. He's exactly on time. "Welcome home, Yuuto~" he grins and gives Yuuto a glass. "You better be starving because I worked damn hard to pull this off."

"Ah, thank you." Kidou takes the glass but he doesn't drink from it. "It smells nice here." He sounds like he finds it difficult to get those words over his lips but Fudou doesn't pay too much attention to it. "Yeah, and it tastes even better! Come!" He pulls Kidou with him to the dining room where the two take their usual seats on the table and start with their dinner.

Kidou doesn't seem to eat much but it's more than he ate yesterday and that already feels like a little accomplishment. He doesn't say so but Fudou can see on his face that he's enjoying his meal. What is strange though that Kidou barely even touched his wine. "Did I pick the wrong one? Sorry— I asked Sakuma for advice and he recommended this one. Should have known that you can't trust someone with just one working eye."

Kidou smiles briefly, but it's a smile. "No, no Akio, it's— it's fine. Don't you worry yourself about it. You've done great." He puts his hand on Fudou's and squeezes gently. "Everything is absolutely amazing. Thank you." Fudou averts his gaze from his boyfriend with a slight blush colouring his cheeks. Even though the light in the room is dimmed it's still visible, but Kidou doesn't make a comment about it. He holds his glass and takes a sip, but makes a sour face shortly after and quickly puts his glass back on the coaster. "Not good?"

The taller man shakes his head. "No, that's not it. I can't seem to get pleasure out of drinking alcohol anymore these days. It leaves a sharp pain that runs from behind my ears down either side of my neck."

Fudou furrows his eyebrows. "Shouldn't you let someone look at that?" Kidou puts down his tableware and shoves his plate a little further away from him. "It's probably a side effect from the sleep medication I am taking. I'm sure that after I can stop with those I'll be able to drink again. Not drinking isn't that bad, maybe it will be good for me to drink less. I should narrow down my cups of coffee during the day too but the caffeine helps me staying awake."

"If you say so, Yuuto. You know your body best." He smiles but he's sure that the worry is written all over his face. "Are you finished eating?" After he gets the approval from Kidou to take their plates he begins with cleaning the table. When he returns to the dining room to take the rest he finds Kidou leaning on the table with two hands, he's breathing heavily and sweat is streaming down over his face like they just played an intense match. "Oi, Yuuto?" He rushes towards his boyfriend and helps him stand. "You alright? Should I call a doctor?"

"No, I'm just a little dizzy. My vision went blurry for a moment too. I've been staring at my computer screen for way too long again today." He smiles weakly and tries to take a step but immediately clings on his boyfriend's arms. "You should lay down Yuuto. Come, I'll bring you to bed." Kidou quietly obeys Fudou, too worn out to even object to him. The need to rest might be stronger than his pride this time.

Kidou fell asleep even before Fudou could undress him, so he had to work the heavy man out of his clothes without any cooperation from his side. It wasn't the first time Fudou cursed Kidou for wearing this many layers of clothes, it's a real struggle to get all of these off. He wonders why the other man still bothers to even wear all of this every morning and take it all off before he goes to bed. Fudou loves him though, from his dreadlocks to his _Santoni_ designer shoes. A rather strange combination, if you'd ask him.

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><p><em>February 6, 2018<br>_  
>Fudou spits the water and left over toothpaste he had in his mouth in the sink, next to him is standing his boyfriend who's shaving his stubble. Fudou likes the little things like this; starting their morning with a shower and dressing up together, although he'd never admit it to Kidou. Sometimes Fudou finds himself studying Kidou's face. Je already did this before they started dating; Fudou simply enjoys the expressions Kidou makes when he's focussed, but lately it's different. He looks at the other with more concern, Kidou is rapidly losing weight and he started wearing his goggles again instead of regular glasses in order to cover the bags under his eyes. Fudou can't imagine that the green vision those ugly things are giving him are good for his health but Kidou insists on wearing them. It's one of the things Kidou and Fudou have in common; their stubbornness.<p>

"Akio?" Kidou's voice draws him back. "Do you think my neck looks a little swollen?"

"Eh?" Fudou blinks and steps closer to his partner in order to touch his neck. "Yeah, now that you say it. Your nodes appear to be swollen."

"Hm," Kidou rubs with his hand over his chin to see if he missed a spot before he continues. "I've been coughing a lot and transpiring during the night. I must have caught a cold."

_Yeah, and you've been losing an abnormal amount of weight in a short period of time_. Fudou thinks, but he doesn't say it. He feels like he has been bothering his boyfriend with complaints about Kidou's bad health so he decided to keep quiet about it for a while. Kidou must be getting sick of only hearing it these days.

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><p><em>February 20, 2018<br>Yuuto's been struggling to get himself to work lately. I'm not sure what worries me more at this point; his condition of Kidou Yuuto, the biggest workaholic of whole Tokyo refusing to go to work. My need to ask for help, and Yuuto's lack of it, have caused me to do something unexpected. I called Sakuma and told him everything. He has been worried about his boss for quite a while too already, but he had no idea about Yuuto's condition at home. We made a plan together to get Yuuto to see a doctor, again. Sakuma planned an appointment for him, because he knows more about Yuuto's busy agenda, and we convinced him to go. Even Yuuto saw that after fainting twice on one day that it's not just a way too long lasting cold. I'd like to come with him but I have to coach those brats tomorrow so Sakuma will accompany him. Let's hope for the best._

Fudou opens his can of beer after giving Sakuma a glass of wine. Since Kidou refrains himself from drinking alcohol at all now he thought it wouldn't really do any harm if guests would drink a glass or two. "So, what did the doctor say?"

"They'll have the results in a week or so, as soon as they have it they'll invite him for another appointment. "Sakuma crosses one leg over the other. "I hope they'll be able to help him this time." Fudou takes a gulp from his drink and rubs with his hand over his mouth. "Yeah, or we'll ask for a goddamn second opinion, this shit is taking way too long."

"It's not just Kidou who is suffering, hm?"Fudou shrugs. "He's my boyfriend, 'f course I'm worried 'bout the guy. He looks like a zombie. Not very appealing."

"I wish he'd eat more." Sakuma sighs worriedly. "You're really not getting him to eat?"

"Nope, I'm making all the things he likes and he still refuses. I took him to one of those fancy restaurants he likes last week but he looked like he was 'bout to throw up when he only saw the menu. I'm getting gradually more desperate. At this point it feels like I'm cuddling with a stick whenever we get in bed together."

"It must be tough, I hate to see my best friend struggling, but being his partner must be even worse." Sakuma gets up and puts his hand on Fudou's shoulder. "Take care, and keep me informed. If you need any help me and Genda are available."

"Thanks." Fudou smiles faintly. "I'll give 'ya a call as soon as I know more."

After Sakuma leaves Fudou eats something easy to make as dinner and heads to their bedroom to check on Kidou. He seems to be sleeping peacefully. Fudou sits on the edge of the bed and caresses the thin man's cheek. If he could only do more than sit by and watch the one he loves slack off more every passing day...

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><p><em>March 7, 2018<em>

Kidou's swollen nodes are getting worse instead of less and Fudou decides it time for an emergency visit at the hospital. Again, nothing useful came out of the blood results and he's getting sick of it. He discussed it with Sakuma and they asked for a second opinion in a different, bigger hospital in Tokyo. Hopefully they'll get more help this time.

And help they get. This doctor shares Fudou's concern and he makes room for them to make an ultrasonography the same day. It's an ultrasound examination that makes the organs inside the body visible. Ultrasound consists of high-frequency waves emitted by a transducer. The internal organs reflect the sound waves back and thereby become visible on the monitor. Even after that explanation Fudou had no idea what they were going to do to his precious Yuuto, but if it could help them find a diagnose he'd be would hear the results of the test the day after so they booked a hotel nearby the hospital. Fudou didn't even suggest going out to see the city, he knew that as soon as they'd reach their room his boyfriend would go to sleep. Now Fudou is sitting on the edge of the bed and holds Kidou's hand in his, gently brushing with his thumb over the other male's skin. When he's watching him sleep this peacefully he realises how much he loves this man, his old rival and best friend. That someone intelligent and with a high status like he has wants to go out with someone like him is still a mystery to him, but he realises that he's damn lucky with a man like Kidou.

"I'll always stay by your side, Kidou-kun." He presses a kiss on Kidou's hand and snuggles up next to his warm body. They've both changed a lot over the years, but one thing will never change. Fudou's love for Kidou.

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><p><em>March 8, 2018<br>The results came back, they're positive. I've never heard someone use the word 'positive' before when they are bringing bad news. Who does such a thing? 'The results came back positive', are they out of their damn mind?! The results are positive, the doctors are almost 100% sure about it. There is a high chance that Yuuto has cancer._


	3. Chapter 2

**Hello!**

**I want to thank you all for your kind reviews they are making me so happy! Also the ones who favourited it and/or followed the story, thank you so much and I do hope to hear your opinions too!**

**Amaya0Miyako: I've seen your name appearing a lot in my emails these days- thank you for following and favouriting my stories and the review made me smile like a dork!**  
><strong>Pat Fifty Storms: Cute name by the way! - ahh, no I am not really including Kageyama. I will mention him but I came up with this before Kageyama magically reappeared!<strong>  
><strong>Seiren: I didn't even notice the amount of swearing to be honest (I guess that says something about me too- oops) and yes he was quite pissed. I promise that it won't happen <em>that<em> often again. How can I do this to Kidou- I am not sure actually. I suppose I like destroying people! :D**  
><strong>Heather: I love how cruel you are and I have at least one yes for Kidou dying! ... no there won't be a vote, everything is written out in either my head or my quick sketch of how it's supposed to go. We'll see how it turns out.<strong>

**Thank you both for the compliment for the diary idea, it's indeed out of character for Fudou to write something like this but it allows me to describe his feelings so Fudou just has to deal with it. I usually refrain from writing in the first person because I dislike it somehow but it's turning out better than I expected. The first person parts are horrible if you look at it grammatically but it's Fudou's diary so I figured out it's allowed to have grammatical errors (yeey!)**

**When Heather first mentioned the smoke I had to think for longer than I want to admit what the hell she meant. Oh yes, the last part of the prologue. That idea actually came from my prom two years ago (wow...) it was snowing and somehow I imagined Fudou standing outside in the snow and it became all romantic. Seiren's second commend made me laugh; yes Kidou kissing an ashtray without throwing up. I actually don't really remember what he was doing outside- I think he was dumped by his date. I wrote it two years ago, forgive me, I might upload it some day when I actually finish it.**

**It's funny but not unexpected that the both of you already guessed what was going on before the 'actual' diagnose. It wasn't that hard to notice anyway, I had to describe the symptoms somehow.**

**While you ladies continue discussing Kidou's date of possible death I'll upload two chapters today because the first one is more of an 'in between' chapter. (The actualy reason is because Kidou's hair will be happening in the next one; be prepared)**

**I made this way too long already, please enjoy!**

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><p><em>March 17, 2018<br>__Haven't written in a while, been busy taking care of Yuuto and didn't feel too well either. After the doctor's possible diagnose my world had stopped. As if someone pressed pause on a stopwatch during the match 'cause a thunderstorm was coming up. The news sure hit me like thunder afterwards too. Sometimes I can't stand Yuuto's calmness but I guess one of us should be thinking rationally. A little too rational if you ask me. We didn't say a word to each other on our way back home, the atmosphere had been rather awkward between us since we left the doctor's office. I didn't know how to bring it up and Yuuto didn't want to speak about it._

_One time, one time I finally brought it up when we were watching TV together, some program about giving money to support victims of cancer. The timing couldn't have been more perfect, I thought. Yet Yuuto simply brushed it off and went to bed after it._

_Cancer, one doesn't just get cancer right? Should we have seen it coming? Could be in the family, but how were we supposed to know. The only family Yuuto knows except his sister were his parents. Maybe his dad died before they could even diagnose it. Ugh, I shouldn't be writing like that._

_Everything went fast after out next visit in the hospital. We found a doctor here who is willing to help us, Gouenji's father I have been told (I finally understand why Gouenji's been tanning so much; he's probably sick of hearing if he might be adopted. Damn that man is— tanned), and Yuuto's been having all kinds of tests and scans. They felt his neck, his armpits, his stomach and groin. It was later that I realised that they were looking for more swollen areas on his body. After that he had a full body scan. I stayed with him all day, I guess Yuuto would rather have gone alone but there's no way that I am letting him. In times like this he should be aware by now that I got his back. In two days we'll know the results. In two days we'll know if he really has cancer or not._

Fudou is playing with the plastic stirrer in his coffee. They've been sitting in the waiting room for at least thirty minutes now and it's working on his nerves. What's taking them so long? He glances at his boyfriend. The man gained a little weight and it makes Fudou happy, but it concerns him on the other hand. Kidou might be forcing himself to eat more than he can to prove them all that he isn't sick, or rather, he's trying to convince himself. Kidou has distanced himself more from not only Fudou but all his friends. No-one is really getting through him, not even Sakuma.

"Kidou Yuuto can come in."

Finally, it's their turn. The both of them get up and follow the doctor to his office. They've been here many times before the past couple of weeks and yet it still fascinates Fudou how _dull_ their doctor's office looks. Stacks of files are spread over his desk, it barely gives him room to write. There is standing an old computer on his other desk, a phone and something that looks like this half eaten lunch of this day. Or maybe yesterday. The walls are empty except for some printed pictures of the inside of people's lungs and livers. On the door hangs a huge poster of an Indian with the text '_only when the last tree has died and the last river has been poisoned and the last fish has been caught will we realise that we cannot eat money'_. Not really what you'd expect in the office of a doctor but alright, everyone has their taste.

"I'm sorry for the wait, I won't keep you in suspense any longer. After many tests and scans we have concluded that Kidou-san has indeed cancer." Fudou's vision turns blank. It's true, what he feared just became true. His boyfriend has cancer, will he die? What are they going to do now, what is there what they can do? "Kidou-san has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a form of lymphoma." The man continues.

"I see, could you explain yourself further, doctor? I'm afraid that I am not too familiar with medical terms." Kidou's voice is stable, his eyes are focussed on the man in front of him and at the first sight it's hard to tell what Kidou's feeling right now, but Fudou knows him longer than today. Under the desk Kidou has clenched his fists tightly together. That's Kidou Yuuto, he trained himself to always look good and professional on the outside, and only a few people will see what is happening on the inside right now.

"Of course. Lymph nodes are everywhere in the body. These glands are in the neck, armpits, along the trachea, the lungs, intestines, the groin and behind the abdomen and pelvic area. Lymph nodes act as filters. They make germs, bacteria and viruses. This is done using lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell, that provides for the defence. These are created in the bone marrow. An evil, unrestrained cell division of lymphocytes in the lymph node is the cancer.

Often Hodgkin lymphoma begins in the neck, which is also your case, Kidou-san. The disease can spread through the lymphatic vessels to nearby lymph nodes. Only later did they go to more distant nodes. Rare is, and only happens in an advanced stage of the disease, that the Hodgkin lymphoma can get into the bloodstream and from there expand to other organs in the body. We will of course do everything we can to prevent this from happening."

Fudou can't follow most of the things the doctor is telling them and even Kidou seems to be struggling with understanding it all. Google it will be once they get home. "How often do people get diagnosed with this form of cancer?"

"In recent years, the number of patients with Hodgkin lymphoma increased slightly. In 2000 there were 375 patients and in 2011 this number was 450. The disease can occur at any age, but there are two groups: young people of about 20 years and people over 55 years. The disease is slightly more common for men than in women."

Kidou puts his hand on his chin and nods slowly. "I understand. What is the cause of all of this, is there a way I could have prevented it?"

"I can assure your way of living wasn't any influence. From what I can say is that you've let a healthy life so far. Why someone gets diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma is still unknown, but we do have a treatment of course." The doctor continues his long, obviously rehearsed speech and again somewhere in the middle Fudou gets distracted and stops listening even though he knows he should at least try to pay a little attention. It's like being a high school student again. He didn't read the pages he had to study before he came to class so he has no idea what the teacher is talking about, and while the teacher is talking he can't follow it and starts doing other things while he knows he should be listening because they have an exam soon. His whole life seems to be repeating all those little things you first experience in high school again, but this time way worse and unexpected. If you don't pay attention in class you fail, but if Kidou gets sick- will Fudou lose him?

He finally dares to ask the question that has been floating through both of their minds ever since the doctor started speaking. "And what's the chance he'll get through this?"

The doctor pauses for a moment and speaks a little slower, but this too seems like he has said it many times before. Like someone is showing him a card and he's merely reading out loud what the card has to say in front of the audience. In this case, Kidou and Fudou are his audience. "Hodgkin's patients have a decent chance of survival thanks to medical advances that have even increased in recent years. Between 1989 and 1994, 76 percent of patients are still alive after five years. Between 2001 and 2005 this rose to 81 percent."

Fudou doesn't need to hear all those nondescript percentages and figures, he just wants to hear what he wants to hear. "Yeah, but will he die or not?"

The doctor coughs awkwardly and he can hear Kidou chuckle softly. He's used to his boyfriend's direct way of asking but the doctor wasn't prepared for that. "The survival rate of a patient depends on the age, the condition and the stage of the disease. Kidou-san is just twenty-four, his condition is well in spite of the circumstances and we detected the cancer before it could do serious harm. I estimate that his chance of survival is quite high."

Fudou sinks back in his uncomfortable chair and blocks himself from the rest of the conversation. Even the doctor said it now and is mind is at ease. They'll beat this disease, just like they have defeated other enemies, together.

* * *

><p><em>March 19, 2018<em>

_(...-)  
>The doctor told us that they'd start the treatment right away. They took Yuuto away for another scan and a bone marrow biopsy. I had no idea what it was but the nurse let me stay with him. The doctor came in and told Yuuto to take his shirt off, I offered to do it but Yuuto told me to act a little more serious. What a party pooper he is. He wouldn't even let me help unbuckling his belt! When Yuuto was all set he had to turn on his side. I think it's the first time I saw him this nervous, even a little scared. At that moment I realised that it was indeed no time to joke around, he needed me. I held his hand and I think I squeezed his harder than he did in mine when I saw what kind of instrument they were going to use. Yuuto was facing me so he couldn't see it of course, but he should be glad that he didn't.<em>

_Yuuto was more relaxed than I was when they started. The nurse was casually talking with us, how long we were already dating and all. They marked Yuuto's back so they knew where they had to stick that huge thing inside his body and thereafter she disinfected the spot. All quite innocent up till there. Then she explained they were going to anaesthetise his skin until the bone, because you can't anaesthetise a bone of course. Even I got that._

_Shortly after she said that she'd start and hell I noticed that, as soon as she did Yuuto held my hand tighter. He said that the first part didn't hurt, like the nurse had said, but when she came to his bones she yelled that Yuuto has thick bones and it was hard to get through them. I could even see tears in his eyes, and that was the first time in months that I had seen him cry. Because of his thick bones the nurse had to use quite some force and that mustn't have been pleasant for him. Even with pulling it out once she got what she needed she had to pull hard to get the needle back._

_But it's all done now and all we can do is wait for the results, again. It might take a while, is what the nurse said before she left the room. What's it with hospitals and taking this long to get fucking results? I'm glad they were able to do something at least. We're taking little steps but we'll get Yuuto back on his feet._

_March 31, 2018_  
><em>It's been twelve days since our last hospital visit and still no news. I searched on a lot of sites and apparently it's common that it's taking this long to get the results. Nothing the matter so far. I'm trying to distract Yuuto as much as possible, not only from his disease but also from working. Whenever he has the chance to he tries to get some work done again. Sakuma took it all over and Yuuto trusts him, but I think he honestly misses working. He even sneaks on his laptop when he thinks I'm not looking. I've let him for a while, an hour a day, but once I saw how much stress it gives him aside from the joy I hid his laptop. Even not writing down here where I left it; who knows if he might find this diary some day.<em>

_Two days ago we informed all our friends and Yuuto's sister about his disease. Gouenji already knew of course, but we asked him to keep it quiet. It was a tough day. Haruna was crying nonstop. The other old managers and even a few teammates couldn't keep their eyes dry either. Specially the cry babies from old Raimon let their tears flow. It was nice seeing all of our old Teikoku mates and Inazuma Japan member together, we had rent a room 'cause all those people could never fit in our apartment, but not after too long I had to send everyone home. Yuuto was getting tired and only a few close friends, like Genda, Sakuma, Gouenji and Endou, were allowed to stay. His sister too 'f course. When we were with just the seven of us something happened. I had seen Endou and Gouenji cry before, Sakuma too 'cause he already cries when someone dies in a movie, but it was the first time that I saw tears in Genda's eyes. Yuuto was holding his sister in his thin arms, it looked nice, seeing him giving that much comfort to his little, upset sister. I kinda miss Yuuto's strong arms around me, but I'm sure that when he's better and gains weight it'll all be like how it used to be. It's awkward by the way, sitting in a room full with crying weirdos. I haven't cried 'bout this matter, it just won't happen. Yuuto needs me and if I'm a leaking mess all the time it won't help him recover. Crying won't change anything._

_We're doing nice things together, I gave up on coaching so far but we go to my kids' matches with him and we discuss strategies. All the things we could have done better than the current coach. He's coming with me to cooking classes too, we make sure he gets a chair to sit on when he feels tired but he's been helping me a lot. We're cooking together at home too, never knew we could have this much fun in the kitchen without any sexual intercourse. We're refraining from sex for now and you might not believe it, but I ain't complaining. Yuuto's health is more important to me than sex. We're getting more intimate than a couple of months ago though, we kiss, cuddle and caress each other in intimate ways. Sometimes we help each other release the tension when it gets too much to bear with any longer but I always keep a good eye on Yuuto to check how he's feeling. Our love is growing stronger each day and we're determined to grow old together._

* * *

><p><strong>One final note: the description of the doctor's office is my doctor's. It took me at least ten minutes to find that damn man with the damn quote on Google Images but I succeeded! (... I tried my best to remember it but my last visit to the hospital was two months ago and I just couldn't recall what was on it anymore).<br>**  
><strong>More feels in the next chapter, see you there! <strong>


	4. Chapter 3

_April third, 2018  
>The results didn't come back good. They immediately started with the chemo.<br>They gave him some anti-allergy product first and fifteen minutes later the medication they needed arrived. Yuuto was struggling with staying awake, he was listening but didn't really hear anything I said. It was all nonsense anyway, I only tried to keep his mind off all that was happening around him. I told him to sleep and a mere second later he did. He was even snoring, I never heard him do that before, it was kinda adorable. He seemed to be resting well. The nurse told me all those medications made him feel extremely drowsy and that's why he slept that fast. About four hours later all the shit was inside Yuuto's body and they started with some kind of chemical mixture. Two hours after that I was allowed to take him home and honestly, we both were relieved he didn't have to stay there for the night.  
><em>

The couple sat on the sofa together for a while but after some time Kidou got up and went to bed. He didn't look too well and Fudou understands that after a tough day like this he only wants to sleep. With the soccer match on the TV on mute and his body stretched over the couch he grabs his phone to inform Sakuma about the day. He tells him about the bad news they got, about the chemo and Kidou's snoring. Sakuma too had never heard him do that before and they decided that if he'd pick it up now they'd sew the half of a tennis ball in his pyjamas. Fudou's eyes rest on the TV, apparently one of the teams just scored. On the other side of the line he can hear Sakuma curse quietly.

"You're watching too?" Fudou laughs. From there on they start to talk about more casual things like soccer matches and coaching. Fudou asks how it's all going at Teikoku now, not really out of interest but he's sure that Kidou would like to know.

Fudou looks up, a little alarmed when he hears the bedroom door. "I gotta go, I think Yuuto's awake. I'll call you tomorrow or something." With that he ends the call and not long after Kidou appears in the doorway. "Can't sleep?"

"I missed you."

A smile curls on Fudou's lips and he opens his arms. "C'mere you big teddy bear." His boyfriend crawls over him and rests himself on Fudou's chest. Fudou slides one arm around Kidou's waist and he uses the other one to caress the other man's untied dreads. They stay like this for a while, quietly watching the match on the TV after Fudou turned up the volume again. He never told Kidou how much he treasures moments like this, but then, his boyfriend never mentioned it either and he's sure that he feels the same way about it. There are no words needed between the two of them. Not on the field and not outside of it. They know how the other feels and thinks. Sometimes it feels like they're reading each other's minds.

"I love you."

Fudou's a little startled. Even though he was just thinking about it he didn't expect that the other would actually say it out loud. He buries his face in Kidou's hair and mutters a quiet "Me too". Maybe even they feel the need to express their feelings through words sometimes. Fudou tries to think of the last time they actually said that they love each other. It might have been during one of their make outs, moaning in the heat of the moment what they mean to each other, but does that really count? It is sincere so why not.

"Akio?" Fudou opens his eyes, Kidou sounds a lot weaker now. "It's cold..." The brunette can feel the body of his boyfriend shaking in his arms. "Hang in there." Fudou presses a soft kiss on Kidou's forehead and carefully gets up from under Kidou's body. A little while later a returns with hands full of duvet from their bedroom and other blankets he grabbed on the way. After wrapping Kidou in them he crawls next to his boyfriend again and holds him tightly in his arms. The man is still shivering and sweating a lot when Fudou starts to press soft kisses all over his boyfriend's face. Kidou opens his eyes and two scarlet eyes meet his. He can see Kidou smile faintly before he brushes his lips over the others. Kidou doesn't move much and Fudou is leading the kiss but he knows his boyfriend well enough to recognise the noises he is making. Kidou is enjoying it just as much as he is. He even moves his hand up to Fudou's bicep and squeezes softly— it's not until after Kidou pushes him away with the strength he has that it was a sign for him to stop. "Hm?"

"Feeling sick..."

Kidou climbs over the brunette and rushes to the bathroom. Fudou closes his eyes and exhales a deep sigh. He shouldn't be selfish now, especially not at this moment, but there's a strange feeling stinging in his chest and it makes him feel rather uncomfortable. He can hear Kidou struggling in the bathroom and it calls him back to his senses. He shouldn't be here pitying himself on the couch, he should be with his boyfriend.

When he arrives Kidou is hanging, almost clinging on their toilet. His head is resting on one of his arms and if it wouldn't be for the noises Kidou is still making he would have thought he had fallen asleep in his own mess over the toilet. Fudou crouches and rubs over his partner's back. "Hey buddy, I'm with you. Let it all out."

He remembers that Kidou said sort like things to him too the last time Fudou was feeling messed up like this. It had been after a heavy night of drinking and once they got home Fudou wasn't able to hold it in anymore. Unlike Kidou, he didn't make the bathroom in time and threw up all over their brand new parquet floor. Kidou hadn't scold him, he didn't get mad nor made fun of him for losing control over his body. The only thing he did was sit next to him and rub over his back while whispering sweet things. When Fudou finished emptying his stomach on their floor Kidou guided him to bed and when he woke up there was a glass of water with two pain killers on his nightstand. If that isn't love then Fudou doesn't know what is anymore.

After Kidou finished Fudou had to clean the bathroom, but he didn't want to leave Kidou alone now. Since the man was still feeling ice cold Fudou made a bath for him so he could clean the mess and keep an eye on his boyfriend on the same time. That turned out to be more difficult than he thought. Not only has he never scrubbed a toilet before, he also had to pay a lot of attention to Kidou because he'd occasionally fall asleep in the water and Fudou had to pull him up again to prevent him from drowning.

Fudou wipes with the back of his hand over his forehead and sighs deeply. The toilet is so clean that they could drink from it if they'd want to, but he is covered in sweat, Kidou's vomit and cleaning solution. He can hear a weak chuckle coming from the direction of the bath. "You look horrible."

Fudou can't suppress a smile, hearing Kidou making fun of him again means that he's feeling a little better already. "Look who's talking, I've been cleaning your mess for a full hour!"

"I guess that makes us even."

Fudou sits on the edge of the bathtub and tugs the now better looking brunette closer to him to kiss his wet dreads. "Yeah, I guess."

"You could use a bath."

Kidou doesn't have to say that twice. In no-time Fudou undressed himself, threw all the dirty clothes in the laundry basket after a complaining moan from Kidou when he tossed them on the floor at first, and joins his boyfriend in the lukewarm water. He's sitting between Kidou's legs and the said man's arms are tightly wrapped around Fudou's torso. He can feel Kidou's lips press a soft kiss on his shoulder and Fudou lets out a content sigh while resting his head lazily against his boyfriend's chest. "This is life" He murmurs softly, and behind him he hears a contented hum as answer. Suddenly neither of them is feeling that bad anymore.

After that night Kidou's health deteriorates again. Fudou is still trying to take him out but even doing groceries becomes too exhausting for Kidou. He can't shower on his own anymore and sometimes Fudou finds him passed out on the floor. The first time he panicked and called Sakuma, yes not the alarm number but Sakuma. Sakuma was a lot of help too. He told him to check if he still felt his pulse. Fudou didn't even dare to come closer to him let alone touch his boyfriend but he overcame his fear and checked if Kidou was still breathing. Fortunately that was the case and Fudou carried him to bed. Two hours later he woke up with no memories of what he had been doing or feeling before he fainted.

From that point on he grew scared of being alone with Kidou, afraid that something would happen to him. Occasionally he'd have guests over who came to visit Kidou but they all knew that they weren't there for their sleeping friend. Sakuma and Genda did their best to distract Fudou this time and spend as much time as they could at their apartment. Fudou never actually said so but he was grateful that his friends were there for him. They do his groceries when Fudou can't leave the house, they help him clean and cook for him when Fudou doesn't feel like eating anymore. They might all share an unpleasant past together, but he can't imagine his life now without his two closest friends.

* * *

><p><em>May 14, 2018<em>  
><em>Yuuto had his second chemo, earlier than they first planned but the doctors saw too that he wasn't doing well. They say all we can do now is wait and see how Yuuto reacts to this chemo. I told to doctors about that night after his first that he felt so sick but apparently it's normal. I am not too surprised, if you'd only know what kind of crap they were pushing into his body, but it's all for his recovery.<em>

_Yuuto's been sleeping for a long time, like seriously long. The doctors said it's normal, sleep is one of the best medications but I was worried as fuck. When our sleeping beauty woke up he asked me how long he had been gone for and I said about the 36 hours. Told him that I didn't really pay attention to it. That was a lie, I counted every minute. He slept for thirty-seven hours and twelve minutes. Of those 37 hours he was away I think I slept a mere four hours. I woke up with my head on Yuuto's hospital bed and a fresh cup of disgusting hospital coffee on the nightstand. My one-eyed friend was sitting on the other side of the bed with a laptop on his lap._

_Yuuto had only been awake for something like twenty minutes before he fell asleep again. I did something difficult after that but Sakuma convinced me to do it. I went home to shower and change while he'd watch over Yuuto. I let him promise me that he'd call me right away if something would happen but we both knew that Yuuto'd be asleep for the rest of the evening._

_The apartment is dark and empty, without Yuuto it doesn't feel like coming home. I rather spend three nights in a row on his side, sleeping in a chair next to his bed in the hospital than our own comfortable, king size bed. No-one sleeps alone in such a huge bed._

_I packed some fresh clothes for Yuuto and myself, took a shower and settled myself on the couch. Dinner's in the oven, just a few more minutes I suppose. When I finish eating I'll go back to the hospital. Sakuma gave me the order to stay home for at least two hours. It's been almost three now. I can't wait to go back, I hate it here. Ah, I hear the timer going off, finally. I'm starving._

* * *

><p><em>May 22, 2018<em>

Fudou is sitting next to his boyfriend on the small hospital bed, he requested a bigger bed but no-one seems to be responding to his question. Jerks. He strokes with his hand over Kidou's dreads and swallows heavily. He's holding a hand full of hair between his fingers. They cut his wavy hair three days ago but they didn't touch his dreadlocks yet, but even those are starting to fall out. Kidou's beautiful hair, how he always loved running his fingers through it. He feels Kidou move his face to look up at his boyfriend who suddenly stopped caressing his head. When his eyes fall on Fudou's shocked face and his hand a moment later he says out loud what crossed both of their minds already, but neither of them said a word about it.

"We should shave it all off."

And so they did. They received a hair trimmer from the nurse and special tools to get those dreads out. It took Fudou two and a half hour and a lot of swearing but eventually the floor was filled with Kidou's hair and his boyfriend had become a bald man. Fudou picks up the mirror from the bed. "Alright, you ready?"

His boyfriend nods and Fudou turns the mirror around. He can see the shock in Kidou's eyes but shortly after he smiles and carefully strokes with his hand over his head. "It reminds me of you." Is the only thing he can say, it must be painful for him. It's quite a confrontation, maybe Fudou should cover the mirror in Kidou's bathroom for the time being.

"Yeah," Fudou smirks, that gave him an idea. "alright, now it's my turn!" He gives Kidou his scissors and sits in front of him on the bed. "A-Akio, are you sure about this?"

"Do it before I change my mind. We'll be bald buddies." He snickers and closes his eyes when Kidou begins with combing his hair. He's halfway through when the nurse comes in to check on the lively couple. He can hear Kidou whisper something in her ear and she quickly leaves the room. "What did you tell her?"

Kidou grins at him and Fudou doesn't even need an answer anymore. He knows that face and it warms his heart, Kidou is up to something. When the nurse returns with a bulging bag full of tools he gets blindfolded. Kidou and the nurse are giggling their asses off and Fudou is growing impatient. "Oi, you are forgetting there is someone else here in the room who'd like to know what the hell is going on!" he moans, but that only makes the other two laugh harder.

It's when Fudou feels something being drawn on his head that he realises what the two of them are plotting. They finally remove his blindfold and it's just as he thought. Instead of making Fudou bald Kidou gave him his old mohawk back and the nurse drew a good looking copy of the temporary tattoo he had back in those days.

"Kidou-kun~," he grins teasingly and claps his hands together. "now this is what I'd call a touching reunion." Fudou repeats the words he used when Kidou saw his friends of Teikoku Academy again. Kidou bursts out in laughter, however on the other side of the room they hear something fall. Sakuma is standing in the doorway, his mouth open, his one eye widened and the coffee he was holding fell on the floor. They're not sure if it's Kidou without the dreads, Fudou mimicking his attitude from Shin Teikoku or both of it but it's making the two males only laugh harder. "Oi, Sakuma-kun" Fudou falls back in his role. "aren't you pleased to see me?" He runs his fingers through his short hair and sticks his tongue out to the awestruck man.

"I-I'll get someone to clean this up." He stammers and turns on his heel. The laughter of the two men follows him through the hallway. When Sakuma returns Fudou too is bald now and if it wouldn't be for the vaguely visible red mark Fudou still has on his head then he would have thought that he imagined it.

"Alright, so a woman came over to me in a club, rubbed my head and asked 'Is it true, do bald men make better lovers?' and I said 'I don't know. I haven't fucked any'." Fudou snickers and Kidou only shakes his head with a hint of a smile on his lips that's probably only visible because of Fudou's pathetic attempt to make bald man jokes than that he's actually being funny.

Suddenly the two men turn their faces to him and smirk mischievously at him. When Fudou raises the scissors he knows exactly what's coming for him. Not much later he's sitting on the edge of Kidou's bed with his back facing his two best friends. They covered his eye with a bandage for the time being because Fudou said that he couldn't promise to leave the band of his eye patch in one piece.

Sakuma takes a sip from his now cold coffee. The floor of the room is filled with different shades of brown hair locks and his pale turquoise ones. "Look at us, the bald penguin trio!" He shows Sakuma the photo he made of the three of them together. They laugh although the cleaning lady seems to be less pleased with them. Kidou fell asleep a little while ago and Sakuma is making himself ready to leave for the day too. "Won't you get cold now that you're missing your hair?"

He laughs and rubs over his bald head once more. "I'll have to get used to it for sure, and Genda will probably laugh at me, but we made an unforgettable day for him and that's worth it."

Fudou nods and gives the tanned man a warm smile. "Yeah, thanks for today. I haven't seen him smiling and laughing like that in a long time."

"You're welcome," Sakuma looks at Kidou one more time and then leaves the room. "Good night, Fudou."

* * *

><p><em>August eight, 2018<em>  
><em>Yuuto had his ups and downs. The month June was in one word awful. Again he reacted badly on his second chemo and he needed a third one around the end of June. I can't imagine that having them so soon is good for his body, but well the cancer isn't doing it for him either. He was gaunt, his usually already red eyes were completely bloodshot and he couldn't walk on his own anymore. Even for the bathroom it was wheelchair in and wheelchair out so eventually he got some kind of bottle he could pee in. Spoken of disgusting.<em>

_But he's crawling back up little by little. He had his fourth chemo and guess what; I was allowed to take him home! We made a surprise party, well not a big one of course. Sakuma and Genda decorated the house and Endou's wife and Haruna made a delicious meal for us. We concluded from it that Haruna did most of the cooking. Demonio, who had been in contact with them via Skype all this time, visited too. That was one of the biggest surprises for Yuuto. It really felt like the good old times again with everyone together._

_Yuuto's hair is growing back slowly and I'm excited about it. I've never seen him with normal hair and around me I can hear speculations of how it's supposed to look like. Haruna is not spitting a word and since everything got lost from their childhood we can't check old pictures either. It's not just his hair that's growing back, he's gaining weight and he's getting a bit more of colour on his face. I'm taking him outside as much as possible. I've been rolling him around in his pimped wheelchair a lot. We sound like a bunch of seniors now but Yuuto enjoys going to the park with me the most. We watch others and make fun of them, sometimes we practice walking together too. I'm planning to take him to the pool soon, the doctor gave us advice that the easier way to learn how to walk again is in the water._

_But this is the best part, today I took him to a match. Inazuma Japan versus Australia. We had the best seats we could get, Chairman Gouenji made sure of that, but the biggest surprise was when the players walked up the field. Everyone shaved their heads for Yuuto!_

_So not only Sakuma's long locks were missing, but Kazemaru and Midorikawa's (falling in for me and Sakuma was placed on Kidou's place and Tobitaka came in as new defender) were too! Gouenji has tried several hairstyles over the years but I must say that even those awful green hair locks he had as Holy Emperor suited him better than this. Endou looked simply ridiculous with his orange hair band without hair and the others didn't look that much better. Especially Kabeyama, I never want to see that again. Some of our biggest fans in the crowd shaved their heads for this match too. It was downright very touching and I could see the tears burning behind Yuuto's eyes. I think he had the time of his life._

_During the match we ranted about how much better we were together than the whole playing team, that they missed Yuuto's strategies and our smooth plays together. The look on his face showed how much he misses playing and I feel the same way. I promised him that in a year we'd be back on the field together. Maybe not playing matches yet, but we'll be practicing and kicking the ball. I'm already looking forward to it; I can't wait till this period of our lives is over._

* * *

><p><strong>When I wrote my planning for this chapter last summer the hair losing cutting was supposed to be something sad, but while I was writing it I wasn't in the mood to make it something depressing and I wanted them to enjoy their time together. I like how it turned out for them and I hope you can share that opinion with me! Next chapter is all done too, see you soon! **


	5. Chapter 4

**Merry Christmas to all my lovely readers! My late present to you is a new chapter!  
>Thank you all for your kind reviews all the motivation I'm gaining when I'm reading those.<strong>

**To Pat Fifty Storms: I'm sorry I can't send you a private message since you're a guest but your review touched me and I'm really sorry if it's getting too close for you. I understand if you'd prefer to stop reading. I'm so sorry for your loss.**

**For the other readers: please enjoy!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>December fifth, 2018<em>

Nothing but good news followed the next months. Kidou got officially discharged from hospital and what's even better is that the doctors say that he's cured. Kidou is one of those cancer survivors. The both of them started to get involved with young victims of cancer. It began with supporting them even more with money but later the men got involved with doing things with the kids too. They'd arrange soccer matches in wheelchairs so even the sicker ones were able to play. Of course Kidou still has to gain weight and strength but it's looking good for the young couple.

The apartment they were living in was a little too small for Kidou's taste all of the sudden, although they presumed it were the bad memories that made him want to leave. Now, a full month later; they received the key of their new home.

"It's sure big here!" Fudou's voice echoes through the still empty room. "Look at that garden Yuuto; we'd be able to practice here with our whole team and the opposing one!" He runs enthusiastically through their new mansion. He stops in the middle of the living room and spreads his arms. "All the space, what are we gonna do with it?" He sighs dreamily. When he looks at his partner he sees him grin and he realises that it's quite out of character for him to react like this. He mutters something about Kidou being a jerk and sits crossed legged on the floor.

Kidou joins him on the floor and wraps his arm around the brunette, who gets a bottle of champagne and two plastic cups out of his bag. "You brought that with you?"

"To celebrate a new part of our lives together!" He grins and opens the bottle. "It contains no alcohol, don't worry." He winks as he gives his partner a glass. "A toast, to us and our new house!"

"A new place, a new life, from now on things will only get better for us." Kidou smiles lovingly and takes a sip of his champagne. "God, this tastes awful." Fudou complains. "It's not that bad," Kidou replies, but his face says something completely different as he quickly puts his glass down. "What you said about what we're going to do with all the space. I actually made a plan already. Would you like to hear it?"

"Heh?" Fudou grins as Kidou pulls the blueprints out of his blazer. "Prepared this much already? You can never sit still, can you? Show me whatcha got, Kidou-kun."

Kidou spreads the blueprints over the empty floor. "We'll use this floor for the kitchen, living room and a small bathroom. The second floor will consist of our master bedroom with a walk-in closet, a huge bathroom with enough space for the both of us when we're bathing together, my home office and we'll have some other rooms to fill. It's your decision. The third floor will be for our guests and will have a private kitchen for them too. The basement will be used for storage, the laundry room and our own gym. And last but not least, we'll have a pool."

"You really figured it all out already, huh?" Fudou snickers and presses himself tighter against his boyfriend. "It's what I've been dreaming of." The other man confesses and presses a soft kiss on Fudou's forehead. Fudou puts his glass down too and sits up to kiss Kidou on the lips. Soon they are embroiled in a deep kiss. Fudou's hands on Kidou's cheeks, his shoulders, to his chest and he slowly starts to unbutton his shirt. They're both already half naked by the time Fudou gets back to his senses and gently pushes the other away from him to free his lips. "Are you sure about this?" He mutters, even though he's horny his concern about Kidou's health is much stronger.

"You're not stopping me now." Is his cheerful reply and a soft kiss on the height of Fudou's collarbone follows. "Alright," the brunette growls. "but I'll top."

"You'll have to make me." Kidou hisses before he silences Fudou with another passionate kiss.

* * *

><p>They had their first time in almost a year that night, on the cold floor of their new house. It had been a rough but satisfying battle for dominance. They decorated the room with their clothes and a half empty bottle of cheap champagne. Beneath him, Fudou can feel Kidou shift. "Remind me to add underfloor heating to my list of ideas." He grunts.<p>

"Will do." Fudou rests his head on Kidou's chest and closes his eyes. The calming sound of Kidou's heartbeat reaches his ears. Like this, with Kidou's arms wrapped around his waist, he wishes that they could be like this forever.

* * *

><p><em>December 27, 2018<br>All we've been doing is decorate our new house together. We helped cleaning, painting, moving and make everything ready together. Well, I was cleaning and Kidou sat there watching me. I won't allow him to do much more than thinking and sometimes help me move the ladder. He's worn out pretty easily so he didn't object. He too understands that if he truly wants to get better that rest is important. It's nice spending time together like this. We sing along with music from the radio, reminisce about the past and discuss our future plans.  
>One of the things left to do is finishing our private pool, but since it's December and we won't be swimming any time soon we decided that it can wait till somewhere in the new year. I definitely want it to be ready before the summer starts so we can have pool parties and all once the temperature starts to rise.<em>

_Our master bedroom is finished and our old apartment is sold so we officially moved in around Christmas. Our Christmas eve was us making love in our new bed. Romantic, eh?_  
><em>When everything is ready we'll throw a house warming party. This time we'll have enough space to invite everyone over in our own house. I still can't believe this is happening. When the new year begins it will be the start of our brand new life too. It'll be a new year with new chances for us.<em>

* * *

><p><em>January third, 2019<br>We enjoyed six nights in our new bed together. It was the first day of the new year that I saw my boyfriend collapse in the middle of the living room. Any other day I would have brought him to bed but somehow I didn't. Something changed my mind. I called an ambulance and we went back to the hospital. The place I thought we were finally released from.  
>His health is rapidly decreasing. He's losing all of the weight he gained and that little sparkle in those beautiful crimson eyes of his completely vanished again. It's like I'm talking to a zombie. He sleeps, eats, throws everything he ate out again and goes back to sleep. They're feeding him through a drip now so he gets some nutrients at least. The cheerful Yuuto who decorated the house with me is unrecognisable. It's like those weeks of happiness never even took place at all.<em>

_January 14, 2019_  
><em>Today we heard that a new chemo won't change anything about Yuuto's condition. He is getting morphine to limit the pain he's feeling but that's all the doctors can do for him. Yuuto's body turned against the medication and is attacking its own organs. They say that soon all of his organs will stop working, and once they do it's only a matter of time before it reaches the most important organ in the body. Yuuto's heart.<em>

_Today I made my decision too. I left Yuuto in Sakuma's hands for a while and did some shopping. A new suit, a bouquet of roses and a ring. I've been working on the words I wanted to say for days but I forgot them all once I entered the room and saw my boyfriend fighting for his life. I crouched next to him and held his hand tightly in mine. I told him how strong he is, how proud I am of him, how much I love him. Everything about him. His smile, his eyes, his expensive taste for almost everything, but especially his kindness. How lucky I am to have a man like him in my life and how I never want to lose him. I asked him one favour; to never give up fighting. Never give up fighting for everything that we have been through and for everything that is to come. Because I want him by my side for much longer than this. I want to grow old with this man and I even asked God grant me this one wish I have. To get married to Kidou Yuuto._

Fudou rubs over his cheeks, tears are falling on the pages as he's writing the words down. Those are the first tears he ever shed about their situation together and he hopes they'll be the last ones. Together with Sakuma he has been calling doctors all over the world, money doesn't play a role, as long as he can save his boyfriend. Maybe they can help him with one more miracle. He smiles though his tears when his eye falls on the shining piece of jewellery around his finger.

_Almost forgot the most important thing: he said yes._

* * *

><p><em>January 18, 2019<br>_  
>"We are here today to celebrate the marriage of Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio. On their behalf I would like to welcome you all. I'm sure it means a great deal to them that you can be here to share in their happiness on this occasion.<p>

This place in which we are now met has been duly sanctioned, according to law, for the celebration of marriages. You are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio. If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, he or she should declare it now."_  
><em> _  
><em>Fudou squeezes nervously in his partner's hand. When Demonio heard of their engagement he told the couple that he has a friend who would be willing to marry them. It would cost quite a sum of money, but they were prepared to pay any price for their wedding. Since it would be held in the hospital and with just their family and their closest friends the costs of the whole ceremony were available to spend on this expensive looking man instead. Fudou wants to make a comment about how _long_ this is all taking and how _slowly_ this man is speaking, but Kidou gives him a look before he can even open his mouth.

"Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio, before you are joined in matrimony I have to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. 'Marriage, according to the law of my country is the union of two people, voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others'."

The man continues in English with a thick, Italian accent. English had never been Fudou's favourite subject and honestly, most of the time he has no idea what that man is saying. _Hell_, he could be reading a menu card and he'd still have no clue, but Kidou insisted on doing things the original way and Fudou simply agreed to it. Anything for his partner.

"The purpose of marriage is that you may always love, care for and support each other through all the joys and sorrows of life. It is a partnership in which two people can pledge their love and commitment to each other; a solemn union providing love, friendship, help and comfort to you both through your life together." _  
><em>  
>Of course, that's obvious. The whole purpose of this fucking thing is that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. He feels Kidou squeeze in his hand and it draws him back to what matters now. His fiancé looks stunning in his expensive <em>Armani <em>suit, and he must say that he himself is looking devilishly handsome as well. The room is filled with short haired and on the edge of crying guests. Sakuma as his best man, and Haruna as Kidou's maid of honour in a beautiful light blue dress. Endou, wearing his headband like always, looks good too. Neither of them objected against him keeping it on, that's how they know their captain. Natsumi, on the other hand was less pleased with the men's decision, but it's their wedding day. They already had their chance. The other three men in the room are Demonio, Gouenji and Genda. All of them have always supported the couple, through their good times and bad times. Their way to thank all of them is to invite them to their small wedding, in Kidou's hospital room. Aren't they generous? They'll make sure to repay them properly some day, but for now all their money went to the sick children, their new house, the doctor Fudou hasn't told Kidou about yet, and their wedding.

"My dear Akio, you've been by my side during our good times and our far worst times. It was also you who caused most of my bad times in my childhood," Kidou chuckles softly. "but also the best memories are with you. Meeting you has changed my life and that's mainly because we never seemed to agree on anything. Your ways of doing things are completely different and I had to get used to your directness and rude behaviour, but as the years passed by and I got to know you better and better I came to realise how much we actually have in common. It's not just our plays on the flied that are connecting, it's outside of it too. You make my life complete."

Fudou found it difficult to look his partner in the eye during his speech, he's not used to getting complimented. Especially not this much and certainly not coming from Kidou who always keeps his feelings to himself. He must admit that he kind of likes hearing these words out loud.

"Yeah, no way that I am gonna top that." He smirks. "I'm the most awesome one of us both." Everyone in the room laughs and Sakuma shoots him a playful glare. "Alright, but seriously now. Yuuto, I already told you how much I love you and what I think of you when I asked you to marry me so I'm skipping that. I'm not gonna focus on how our past brought us together, 'specially since I was kinda a brat back then, but I want you to know what I can offer you for our future." He could swear that Kidou's expression changed for a brief moment but he doesn't pay too much attention to it and continues. "I promise you that I'll support you and that I'll be the best damn husband you could ever wish for. Now I _can't_ promise you that I'll put my dirty clothes in the laundry instead of under the bed, I can't promise you that I'll clean my mess nor that I'll stay out of your office while you're working on something, but I can tell you one thing. I'll always love you and will never leave your side."

"Come here," Kidou smiles through his upcoming tears and draws his fiancé closer to him.

"Ho, ho! No kiss yet! I have to finish first!"

Everyone in the room laughs and Fudou growls, his impatience is amusing. "Hurry up then!"

"Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio, you have both made the declarations prescribed by law and have made your promises to one another in the presence of your witnesses here today. Kidou Yuuto and Fudou Akio, it gives me great pleasure to declare that you are now legally married."

"I can finally kiss my bride." Fudou smirks and presses his lips against Kidou's. Their first kiss as a married couple and Fudou feels like he can beat the whole goddamn world, as long as Kidou is by his side.

* * *

><p>It's been a few hours since they got married, when it passed midnight Fudou joked that their first day as a married couple was about to start and in six hours they'd have their first fight.<p>

Everyone congratulated them and even some doctors, nurses and other patients visited them to let the newlywed couple know how happy they are for them. Their guests all left and that's better, because Kidou didn't look too well. He seemed so happy today that Fudou almost forgot that he's life threatening sick. _Almost_.

Fudou buries his face against his husband's chest, husband- that sounds good, and lets out a content purr. "Did you choose a location for our honeymoon yet?" He chuckles.

Kidou smiles a little and pulls away so he can look Fudou in the eye. "Akio..." he murmurs.

Fudou's eyes widen after hearing his name like that. "I don't like the way you said that nor the look in your eyes. Spit it, what's going on?" An unpleasant feeling takes over and he can feel that his hands are shaking. Is this _fear_ he's feeling? He has never been this scared before.

"Jirou is still here. I want you to go home with him today."

"Eh, what? Why? Yuuto!" He clutches the man's hospital clothing in his hands. "D-Don't be silly. I'm staying!" Fear, this is definitely fear he's feeling. The feeling of panic is taking over his body.

"Akio please, just listen to me. Alright? Today...," Fudou can see that his husband is having trouble with speaking, his voice sounds weak and even though he's smiling; Fudou can feel how extremely exhausted he is. Kidou removes Fudou's hand from his shirt and holds it in his. With his thumb he brushes lovingly over Fudou's fingers. "today is the best day I have ever had. I told you before but I was so surprised when you asked me to marry you. I never expected Fudou Akio to go down on one knee for me."

"Kidou Akio." He corrects him softly. Kidou smiles lovingly at the shorter man. "Of course, Kidou Akio you are now." He presses a soft kiss on his husband's hand. "You made me the happiest man alive today, but... it's also my last day here with you."

Fudou freezes, he's barely hearing what Kidou is telling him. Thousands of scenarios went through his mind today, all the things that could have gone wrong, but this wasn't one of them. The thought of not being together anymore was too painful for Fudou to think about. How naive he had been, when he married Kidou he truly thought that nothing would be able to keep them apart anymore.

"My sister, Jirou and I, we already said good bye this morning when you were making preparations for our wedding. I'm sorry, Akio, but my days with you have come to an end."

"N-No..." Tears are streaming down over Fudou's cheeks and he squeezes his husband's hand tighter in his. "you're lying! Tell me that you're lying!" He yells.

"Shh..." He can hear Kidou's voice break before he brushes his lips over Fudou's. The kiss tastes a little salty because of both of their tears, but it doesn't make it less pleasant. Fudou is desperately holding on to his husband. He caresses the man's cheeks with his hands and kisses him over and over again. "I love you, I love you..." He whispers against the sick man's lips. Why hasn't he said this more often- why hasn't he shared his feelings with his lover more? There is still so much that Kidou doesn't know and Fudou has to tell him. Their days can't be ending, it's not supposed to go like this. "I love you too, Akio."

Kidou sits up and switches the monitors next to his bed off so it won't alert the nurses right away and they'll have a little more time together. "I don't have enough words to tell you how much I do. Every time I look at you, it still gives me butterflies in my stomach and you make me nervous. Your beautiful, green eyes, your mischievous grin and your kind smile..." Kidou has to pause because the coughing is taking over him and it's difficult for him to speak this much. "When I am up there, watching over you, I'd like to see you smile, to see you enjoy every minute of your life while you can. I know that it might sound unrealistic now, but you are so strong, you proved that this year. Even if you think that I am not there, look up at the sky and remember that I'll be with you. Don't think I will let you down just because my body gave up. I will always be with you in your heart. Forever."

Kidou's words are sounding softer and softer while he's speaking. He pulls Fudou on top of him with the last of strength that he has and gives him one last kiss, one the other male eagerly responds to. Then he closes his eyes and repeats the most important words to him softly: "I love you." He squeezes in Fudou's hand but it becomes weaker and weaker, the sound of Kidou's heartbeat Fudou always loved so much becomes slower and softer, and then eventually he stops breathing. He is still holding Fudou's hand with a smile on his face and suddenly it becomes awfully quiet in the room.

Fudou had been silent all this time. He let Kidou speak but just now his words are reaching him, and they are hitting him hard; like he is only realising now what his husband was trying to say. When he finally finds his voice again the only noises that are leaving his throat are loud, wrenching cries for his husband. He's clinging on Kidou's body like it could be taken away from him any moment just like his husband himself just did. The crying and screaming becomes more painful every passing minute, and for a long time his life appears to be standing still.

Outside Sakuma is watching the scene in horror. Several doctors and nurses are rushing towards the hospital room. Earlier today they arranged with the staff that Kidou would be allowed to switch everything off so he could have a peaceful moment with his husband. They had decreased his dose of morphine he was getting slowly during the day and they stopped all the other medications too. He'd have a few more hours after the wedding took place, but longer than that was precluded. Sakuma was quite impressed that he'd been holding up this long, fighting against the pain, but he realises that it must have been worth it to see his husband smile and have his final moments with him.

The aggressively battling against the nurses brunette gets dragged by his arms out of the room, screaming his partner's name like a toddler crying for his mother on the first day of school. "NO! Yuuto! What are you doing to my husband?! Let go of me you—" ...those last words should probably not get repeated.

They had to force him into the room next to Kidou's because trying to take any step further than that with a dangerously aggressive man is a hopeless mission. They had to tie him up to the bed and they gave him an injection to calm him down. There was no other way to do it.

Now, hours later, Sakuma has been sitting next to his bed, arranging things for the funeral and informing friends and family about what happened earlier this morning. He smiles a little; the only family he had were his sister and Fudou, now. His adoption father passed away around the time Kidou turned twenty. It had been sudden and Kidou didn't take it that well. He lost his parents, his adoption father and the man who was a father figure to him despite the things he did in the past; their old Commander. His gaze falls on the man in the bed. They both lost people dear to them over the years, but they always had each other. Two years before Kidou's father passed away Fudou had lost his mother. Suicide. It was tragic. It took all they got to get the brunette back on his feet, his mother had been his everything.

One day he came home to the sight of his mother, passed out in the kitchen, with deep, bleeding cuts carved into her wrists. He had called the alarm number but they didn't arrive in time. Fudou's mother passed away in his arms. Today the same happened to him again; someone he held dear was taken from him and even though he was holding them and there was nothing he could change about it.

Sakuma puts his hand on Fudou's. They asked his opinion about freeing his wrists and Sakuma had given them the advice to keep him like this a little longer. There is no saying about how he'll wake up. Honestly, Sakuma is fearing the moment of his awakening. When his memories return he might freak out again, Sakuma is scared that Fudou might end up hurting himself. Kidou was everything he had left, there is nothing here he could or would stay for.

He sighs deeply. He's the only one thinking rational enough to be doing this for all of them right now; planning the funeral is not something Fudou would be capable of doing and it has to be done fast. There is so much to think about; who should be invited for example. His family and close friends or their old teams too? His students, should they get involved? He can feel the tears stream down over his cheeks and they're are falling on his hands and keyboard. It's unthinkable that his Commander passed away, at such a young age too. How is he going to explain this to the member of Teikoku's soccer team? Especially Miyabino was very fond of him. Sakuma lost one of his best friends today, even though he's making preparations for the man's funeral, somehow he's still in denial. Any moment Kidou could walk in to tell him to get back to work. How much he had disliked his best friend commanding him like that sometimes at first; how much he's missing it already at this moment. Now that everyone is mourning he has to be strong. Maybe in a few days he will be able to let it hit him, and he might cry like Fudou did. Sakuma wipes over his tears, that's enough for now; he has more work to do. The next thing on his list might be finding a therapist for the young widower.

* * *

><p><strong>A side note: I want to thank my lovely otouto <em>LilMarJon. <em>December 19, 2012 we roleplayed Kidou's death scene, although back then it were Fudou and Sakuma together, and Sakuma was the one passing away. I took printscreens of our roleplay and kept this for over two years. I changed a lot but the idea for the whole story came from this so a huge thanks to him. He still hasn't started with the first chapter yet due lack of time but I hope he'll read this some day and when you reach here: thank you so much for all your support (although you just laughed at me on skype for even keeping those printscreens).**

**Thank you all for reading! The next chapter is almost done so I hope to see you soon. **


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